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8 Things that Baffle Me.

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(LOOK AT THAT GIANT EGG! It’s so hot out there you could fry an egg on the sand!)

Call it a heightened sense of awareness brought on by less structured Summer months – with more time to think and whatnot – but these things have registered (and brought on conundrums) this year. See if your list and mine share any similarities. If you’d like to comment, please do so on this page. I believe, we can have a civil discussion about this list (except #2. My mind is made up on that one!).

Here they are. My 8 Things that Baffle Me (in no particular order):

 

1.) Why GoGo exists at all (Do we really need high-speed Internet a mile into the sky on some flights that only last 45mins? Can I go without sending that text, watching that movie at least that long? I pray so.)

2.) Banana hangers (Bed Bath & Beyond sells them by the truckload. Guilty: I own one. Does my banana need to be tricked into thinking it’s still hanging on a tree in Ecuador? Is it good to ripen all of the bananas at once? Won’t we just have to eat them even quicker? Hey! What are all of these gnats doing around my bananas. It’s that darn HANGER I bought. Well played, BBB. Well played.)

3.) Disney World (and its presence towards the consumer, the crowds, the Orlando-Kissimmee St. Cloud-I-75 mess, the mice. See you at Harry Potter world this fall?)

4.) Nicki Minaj (a la the majority of music created in the past 5 years. Is Taylor Swift country or isn’t she?)

5.) Why sunscreen burns the skin (Isn’t it supposed to protect us from burns?)

6.) Roundabouts (saw someone going the wrong direction in one earlier this week and…well.)

7.) Primaries (Closed, Open, Semi-Open, Semi-Closed, Blanket, Nonpartisan Blanket, Unified…blah bleh bluh)

8.) Why flavored chips make me sick if eaten on an empty stomach (especially Pringles Sour Cream & Onion. Total nausea.)

 

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Carpe the Carp.

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I saw a fish on vacation that made me realize it was closest in personality to me. Not an exotic Mahi Mahi. Nope. Not even a treacherous Barracuda. I am closest in disposition to…yes, that’s right: the Caribbean Sea Carp.

Have you seen one of these before?

They are funny looking. And just plain funny.

They like to get out in the sandy parts of the coral reefs and roll around.

My wife and I brought our goggles and snorkeled on Seven Mile Beach at Grand Cayman last week, and I wanted to see “Bigger Fish” than the ones flapping along the shoreline.

So out I went. No life jacket. No flippers even. The water was SUPER clear. And out about 200 yards there were buoys tied off (and weighed down) to the ocean bottom.

There were sea urchins and prickly things everywhere, so I was cautious not to put my feet down anywhere. My goggles allowed me to see everything resting on the bottom.

Whoseits and whatsits galore.

Then, I spotted the big, beastly tumbler that is the beloved Sea Carp.

He blended into the orangish, golden ocean sand quite well. But, his movements gave him away. As I approached him, he rolled and spun over and over again in pure delight. I put my hand out, and he didn’t even try to swim away like the other (smarter) fish. He just kept spinning, reaching into coral, knocking up sand and making the water dusty. I signaled for Leah to join me out there, but the urchins weren’t too inviting without flippers. So, I paddled around out there as long as I had strength and eventually told the thirty-pound bumbler goodbye.

When I got back to the shoreline, I exaggerated the carp’s size to everyone around us, but I knew what I saw. He was quite the spectacle; his aloofness to all those two-legged giants was quite appealing, I thought.

It got me to thinking about humans. Humans. Our purpose. The way we’re made. It made me smile that the Sea Carp resonated so deeply. He just wanted to enjoy the coral, food, and waves; he let them move him around constantly. I thought he had the right idea. Maybe we shouldn’t fight waves all day, everyday? Maybe rolling around and enjoying what’s set before me isn’t so bad? I appreciate God giving all that He has already.

If I’m like any fish, I’d say this fish in the Caribbean is probably the closest match. I hope I can keep the contentment up and the urge to flee my surroundings down.

Happy Hump Day!

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Fill_in_the_Blank.

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Here’s a Fill-in-the-Blank Story Game I play at home, in hopes of getting a new pet one day:

The Perfect Pet
If I could have any animal as a pet I would chose a
__cat________ (noun) because they are ___fat_______
(adjective) and ___lazy_______ (adjective) and can
__purr___ (verb). I wouldn’t want a __snake____ (noun)
for a pet because they are __sneaky_____ (adjective). If I had
a __cat___ (noun) I would name it__Pat_____ (name). I
would also teach it to __watch TV___ (verb), __play dead__
(verb) and other tricks. If I couldn’t have a ___cat___
(noun) I hope my (wife) would let me at least get a
___bat___ (noun). They are __loud____ (adjective) but
still __exciting___ (adjective) to play with.
Pet Poem which follows as a result of Fill-in-the-Blank Story Game:
Pat the Cat –
Pat the Cat
is quite fat
and lazy
and tries to purr
She isn’t like a snake
because snakes are sneaky
Pat watches TV
and plays dead most days
She’s better than a bat
She’s Pat my Cat
…And she’s fat
(I have the most patient wife in the world. Have I blogged this before?)
Image of future Pat
lazy-cat-
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April Pranksters.

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This day, April 1, warrants the rare double blog post.

Please see previous post ‘Most Embarrassing Moment Ever’ to see other pranks.

Today–

I wanted to recall a time a co-worker gave me a good laugh.

Rewind to 2010.

I was operating as a college admissions counselor/recruiter/jack-of-all-trades for the University of Kentucky. It was a great job! I miss my co-workers there.

But one guy was especially hilarious.

Mr. Jonathan Blazejewski: veteran recruiter for southern Ohio, northern KY. 7+ years of experience inside his role for UK. Guidance counselor relationship-builder extraordinaire.

Jonathan spots me returning from one of my many eastern Kentucky recruitment trips that Fall 2010. He slyly says, “Hey Brian. I wanted to let you know that I left a message on your desk. Missed phone call.”

I staggered under the weight of 85 bags, and boxes to my oft-forgotten desk. A sticky note resting atop my laptop docking station said: “Call Don Key back at: (719) 633-9925 ASAP!”

I trusted by veteran recruiter/co-worker. We joked often, but I didn’t think he’d venture into “sticky-note” territory. (When it came to counselor comments, it had been off-limits.)

Well, I dialed the (719) area code and waited….

Ring one

Ring two

“Hello! Cheyenne Mountain! How may I help you?”

“Yes. I’m looking for Mr. Key.”

“Which department?”

“Guidance”

“I’m sorry. Did you say Assistance?”

“No. Guidance. I’m looking for…Mr. Key”

“That name doesn’t sound familiar. Are you sure–”

“My note says Mr. Don Key, and this phone number.”

“Don Key, you said?” the operator at Cheyenne Mountain responded.

Hearing her voice say those two words clicked in my head…finally! Duh!

“I’m sorry. I believe I have the wrong number,” I stuttered and hung up, like a grade-school boy trying to talk on the phone.

I proceeded to look up the phone number online and sure enough, it took me to the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo website in Colorado (an out-of-state territory I recruited).

http://www.cmzoo.org/

I had to give it to Mr. Blazejewski. He really got me good! I told him as much, and he asked if Mr. Don Key was doing well.

Well played, sir! Well played.

Happy April Fools everyone.

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Most Embarrassing Moment EVER.

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If you’ve read my previous blogs, you’ve learned one important thing about me already–Awkward is my middle name.

Actually, it’s Lee. But, I could go to the courthouse and get it changed, because it would be F-I-T-T-I-N-G.

Awkward is as awkward does, yes?

From Adam and Eve grabbing fig leaves to ‘hide’ their nakedness as God approached to Kanye West at any public event where a microphone is nearby, there is awkwardness in all of us.

Flawed. Imperfect. Impure. And yet, our attempts to improve are still sometimes commendable.

It’s tough for me to pick just ONE awkward moment, but if I have to, I know which one I’ll use. (Please don’t judge me until you see me doing something like this again. Then, you have the right to call me out.)

It goes like this…

When I was 10 years old, I visited my Dad, Step-Mom, and Sisters on weekends. They lived in a small community about an hour north of Monticello. My family bonded over trips to a neighboring creek, cook outs, and the occasional drive to a movie theater in Danville. We had good times, and Dad always put me up to stuff.

I can safely say that I’ve swam with water moccasins, peed on electric fences, rode a not-so-wild boar fittingly named Wilbur, and ate muscadine grapes well before being seasonally ripe. But…none of this compares to the prank my dad put me up to Winter 1994.

He said, “Brian, I bet you won’t do something.”

Never one to back down from a challenge, I replied, “Name it.”

Dad came out with a dress, high heels, and the works.

(You’re probably wondering where this is going. I was too…)

“What’re you doing with that dress?” I asked.

“I think this would fit you,” he joked.

“Sure sure,” I played along. “The shoes might be a bit small.”

He said, “You want to play a prank on a your granny?”

(I’m not a punk, I promise. It was an experiment.)

“Just for fun,” he encouraged.

I stuttered and stammered over the next few minutes, and felt like I took all day to bite. Finally, I told him to hand it over. My step-mom said I should work on my act.

(I wanted to know just how a lady in a sundress acted. But, that was the beauty of it…I was too young to really know, or, understand any of it. Other than, my dad had dared me. And, I couldn’t refuse.)

I slipped the 1980s, floral print cotton dress over, and my step-mom playfully joked, “I’ll zip you up.”

(Now, I think about this today, and I can’t help but get embarrassed.)

The shoes DIDN’T fit. Cinderella gone terribly wrong. Horribly, frightfully wrong. But, we put them on anyways. And, this is where it gets really interesting. We drove to granny’s house (well, my step-mom’s grandma’s house…so that would make her my great-step-granny’s house…yes. I got that right.), and Dad gave me the foolproof plan. I was to march to the front door with dress, purse, high heels, even tights, lip stick, and a derby hat on, and PRETEND to be her home health nurse.

**I apologize to any nurses in advance that get bad reputations because of cross-dressing, 10-year-old boys like this one.

So…the prank started when I knocked on the door. Granny answered, and Dad waved and sped off. I remember foggily entering a warm, quaint house and being urged to sit down. She said something about taking medicines and not taking some as often as she should. (My moral compass flipped on at that point for me. Guilt. Shame. The works, for what privacy of hers I was invading.)

I started to speak. To say, “Oh that’s all right,” when, I remembered my voice was starting to change. To sound manly. So, I remember having to raise it a few octaves intentionally and coax out a few pleasantries from my vocal chords.

Longest 15-20 minutes EVER.

I said something about needing to leave. Stood, noticed a run in my tights, tried to cover it, and waddled to the front door. (I think I’d even been given a cigarette as a prop, and in my haste I’d lit it to look more grown-up.)

My final words had been, “Well, toodles,” and I actually said that to Granny, remembering it from a movie somewhere, and skipped to the car.

Granny didn’t see Dad driving the car. I found out later that she told my step-mom that her home health nurse was the most quare lady she’d ever met.

We laughed all the way back to the house. Dad took the cigarette away. I was a 10-year-old and had survived an impersonation, a mission. I was too young to be THAT embarrassed. But looking back on it now…I think it takes the cake for most embarrassed I’ve ever been in my 30 years on this planet.

(And hey, for those that knew me in high school, it wasn’t the only time I had to wear something contrary for initiation’s sake.)

Life is too short to be taken too seriously. What’s your MOST embarrassing moment to-date? We all need a laugh every once in a while.

I can safely say I’ve worn men’s clothes ever since. And, I hope to for many more years to come.

 

 

 

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Is Online Dating Good?

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We all know eHarmony from the commercials.

The friendly, white-haired gent, Dr. Neil Clark Warren, founded what is boasted to be the “#1 trusted online dating site for singles.”

Have you been there?

No. I’m not encouraging online dating to any one person. And, it’s not that I see anything wrong with you wanting happiness.

My experience with eHarmony was actually a GOOD one, albeit humorous, as only things can be for my unusually awkward self.

Let me take you to 2004!

Yes. The year I left the college where I’d started with my buddies, and transferred to a new, bigger (scarier in size) school. (See, Dog Days of Summer)

I met some awesome new roommates in, Thomas, Obbie, and Mitch. But…

I was extreme.

In everything.

I felt the need to work out 3x more than the average college student, ate 2x as much as my peers, and tried to be involved in every on-campus organization that first year at UK.

To take this a step further, I also had to be looking for a girlfriend 14x more frequently than any of my new buddies. (They can attest to this.)

I looked East, West, and the other 2 directions on-campus. My wife thinks I’m still extreme, but this category is one that I pursued the most in Lexington.

So, that leads us to this story of how I found eHarmony and trusted it to lead me to Miss Right. (Remember, this was also the first year of something called ‘Facebook,’ and Kentucky was one of the frontrunners in connecting to other schools. I used it and saw the potential to hunt for the lady of my dreams, but it still wasn’t as well-known as Dr. Warren’s site.

Yep. I was all of 19 years old (maybe 20) and had already given up on meeting someone on my new college campus. I remember Thomas asking, “What are you doing? You can’t give up yet! You just got here.”

And, I shook my head and said something to the effect, “No. This is my only chance.”

Of course, these were friends, and even though they had every right to think He’s crazy! they stuck by me and…

watched me fill out all “29 dimensions” of the trusted site.

eHarmony was cool, I remember, because they asked a lot of great questions about upbringing, religious beliefs, and favorite hobbies. I thought, They can’t be all bad like some of the other sites, because they want to know all about me.

And they did. That application took all of 1 day of not going to class or studying for the classes around that day. (The guys checked in on me periodically throughout the day to make sure I was still breathing.)

29 dimensions, all skeletons out of the closet, and 1 day of college life later I pushed the ‘SUBMIT’ button and awaited Dr. Warren’s reply.

The answer came back quickly. The auto-response after I’d submitted it the day before and said the eHarmony staff would be responding with my results (or matches) soon. So, I bit my nails and couldn’t sleep the night between. I recall eating a DiGiorno’s frozen pizza somewhere in-between.

Thomas watched me check my email on that uber-slow Toshiba Satellite. It hummed to life, and I clicked on my Hotmail account. There was a new message from the eHarmony miracle workers.

It said…

Something something something.

And, I remember thinking: How kind of them to send this thorough response! And it WAS both thorough and kind.

I remember getting through the preliminary fluff and really appreciating their promptness and sensitivity in sharing what they said at the letter’s conclusion, which read, in my own paraphrasing:

Mr. Tucker,

Your age and answering of certain questions led us to the analysis that you’d be best-suited for continuing to pursue your future companion and to not give up on finding them at this time. Thank you!

This is of course a paraphrase, but it REALLY made me laugh. Their honesty was terrific, and I was able to meet my wife, about 3 years later, but the RESPONSE of this survey was shocking to me at the time. They essentially said what my roommates had said as well. Except with a technical approach and some surveying included. Yet, I’m still so thankful for the result, which really helped me to get OUT of the dorm room those next so many years. THE lady was still out there, and I learned to not give up (or get dismayed) so easily. I definitely learned that Facebook (or whatever else that came after MySpace) wasn’t the ANSWER for interacting and wooing someone.

Hallelujah and then some!

The fine people alongside Dr. Neil Clark Warren were there at just the right time. Now, I am SLIGHTLY less neurotic than I was at the outset of college.